Malest Me ... Maleski.

Basically...
I do want you boy.
I just don't want to date you.
Ask me about it damn it.
I'll tell you why.
I didn't just decide that without a reason.
I don't date anymore.
I don't do it, because I know It'll fail.
Especially with Nate.
He's moving away upon graduation.
I can't put myself through that.
Can't do the long distance thing.
Don't wanna worry about having to break up when he leaves.
You know... All that sucks.

He was all kinds of fucking sloshy when he called me the other night.
He doesn't remember anything he told me.
He told me alot.

He said he wanted to ask me out.
Then I said I didn't date and he backed off.
He never asked why...
I wish he would've done that.
I wish he would've thought to digg a little more.

I like him.
Like, whoah, a lot for real.
But, I can't keep waiting for him to figure me out.
I thought we finally got all our shit out.
Then he woke up still drunk and didn't remember.

Oh well.

I'm trying to be over it.

I'll see how that goes.

Quickly Before The Fog Rolls In, That Do You Like??

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Like... For real.
I think the events that lead me to where I am now, thoroughly fucked me up.
Forever.
I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.
I'm pretty sure that the things that I think, aren't normal.
That the extreme highs and lows and restlessness I experiance on the inside aren't real.
I'm pretty sure that I've made up half of who I am.
But... I'll never really know.
I guess it's an internal struggle I'm going to deal with forever.
Whether it's airplanes or sexual premiscuity.
I'm fucked.
I'd like to change who I am sometimes.
But, at the same time I think I love myself.
At least when I'm around people.
By myself, I can't stand me.
I keep going through these things in my head about Nate.
He's this new boy I'm talking to.
Or... Not so much talking to, but doing.
I'd like to be talking to him.
I might be.
But, then again I don't want to get to invested in someone who's going to move away.
I'm not ganna be in that possition again.
So, I've been struggling with wanting to like him, Not wanting to like him, Wanting him to like me regardless, thinking he doesn't, thinking I know he doesn't, Not caring, Really really fucking caring way to much.
I don't know why that is.
I'm relationship prone and don't want to be.
I really really want this boy though.
=(
But, I really really don't want to want this boy at all.
It's stupid.
I'm stupid.
I need to stop sleeping with people before I really get to know them.
Haha.
Fuck me.