Workplace Litera-gay.

I've been thinking a lot about what it's going to mean for me to grow up.
I've always been such a kid, I recognize it.
I need reassurance and love an someones touch.
I don't know exactly where those needs stemmed from, but I know that I own them.
Sometimes I feel like I want something different.
Like now, I have James. I'm not particularly sure what it is I want from him. It's most likely something superficial that won't happen. But, I feel like it's more. However, I know better.
I'm glad I can separate the two.
I generally choose the feel - Should probably fix that.
There's just been an endless list of bullshit that's happened in the duration of my life. Stuff that only makes me feel terrible.
When I get the option to indulge in something that makes me feel good, even for a little bit - I always go that way.
That's not so bad when I but it like that.
But, it's kind of horrible when I don't take other peoples feelings into account. I can't say I care to much though.
I don't know, I'm just trying to become someone.
I don't want to be dependant on someone for my whole life.
I just find it hard to not be receiving some sort of attention from somewhere...
I don't know, not important.


Other than that... there's been something else on my mind.
My teacher talks about me having attachment issues...
It never bothered me... but, it started to the other day when I was all kinds of lost in thought.
This... is because I realized it was pretty much true.
I don't think I had the issues that I have now with needing people and whatnot until everyone started dying...
I think it's hard not to become attached to people, even to the point of panic, because so many of the people I've loved aren't going to be coming back.
I don't know if I diagnosed myself well... But, I think I did a pretty good job.
That was important to me... And, I really hope it doesn't get mentioned again...
It may accidentally upset me.

Swallow Bitch. Gotta Feed That Baby.

I know something.
I know something and I hate what I know.
I wish I didn't know.
More than that, I wish it just never happened.

Heather, you're my friend.
You were one of my best friends.

James, you were a fling.
You kinda ment more to me than I let on to.
I couldn't let you know that though.
I wasn't ready to want things like that.
We're over. Well, Kind of. I know.

Heather, I knew you were a slut.
I didn't care.
I told you I didn't think you were.
This... is because it didn't effect me.
Oh, God, it effects me now.
A lot.
I'm so upset by what I know.
I'm so pissed off by what you did, I can't even think of anything else.
You're a whore.
I can't take that back.
Fuck you.

James doesn't owe me anything.
You owe me a lot.
He's just a boy.
You were my friend.

Thanks for sucking his dick - At school nontheless.
That's great.
Cunt.

If I didn't care about you so much, the issue would've been adressed already.
God Heather.
You fucked up so bad.
I don't even want anything to do with you.
I hope you choke on his dick.
I hope Joel finds out.
And, I hope he leaves you.

I realize now - you're the reason you don't have very many friends.
You can't just do that.
I fucked that boy.
He was only the second.
It was only like a month ago we stopped.
It's not okay.
It's not ever going to be fucking okay.

So bad, I want to not care.
Unfortunatly... I care a whole lot.
I don't even hold it against him.
Double standard, I don't give a shit.
That's all you.
It was all you.

You treated Cody like shit behind his back.
That's just as bad.
I'm glad he didn't want to get back together with you.
It's not like you knew how to be faithful anyways.
He might have been a dick sometimes, but you were no better.

I tried Heather.
I'm a good fucking friend.
I know that I am.
Thanks for wasting my time.
What's Cody's number so I can call him up and go suck his dick?
Would that be okay?
Excactly.

I'm glad you have such good morals bitch.

You Lost Me At ... Hello.

I'm pretty much... down today.
I don't really know what my deal is.
A lot of things just collecting in my head.
I don't have anyone to talk to about them right at the moment.

The Nate thing.
It's so over.
It has to be.

There's just to many factors in the whole situation that aren't in our favor.
I think it's best to just back off and let it be over sooner than later.

I just wanted to hang out with him last Monday.
Just, chill.
Cuddle, Kiss, watch a movie.
I didn't want anything else.
But... I let that happen of course.

I'm ruining things by going with my desires.
We fucked.
Then he had to go.
All of about 0% of that was hanging out.

I've just decided...
It's self destructive.
I want love.
I'm not getting that.
I will not be a fuck buddy anymore.
I won't be that girl.
No.

I'm ready to have a boy again.
Like, actually have a boy.
However, I want the whole boy.
Not half.
I want it all.
That's corny and stuff...
But, that's what I want.

I want someone who will call me, just to talk.
I want someone who will hold my hand in public.
I want someone who will claim me.
I want someone who can have real conversations.
Deep like.
I just... want someone to make me feel better about all my shit.
Someone to trust I suppose.
I want the boy version of Brittany.
Unfortunately, they don't make those as far as I know.

I just want to feel better about myself.
I shouldn't need a boy to do that.
But... that's what I want.
I don't forsee it really though.

Celabate =\