Hard Cocks and Airplanes Adrian.

I don't know where I'm going with anything anymore.
I'm floating.
I want to be doing something.
Having some fun.
Going somewhere.
I'm trying, but I always end up stuck.

I've been working.
Not real work I suppose, but work none the less.
Wendy's.
haha.

I'm still with James.
It's been a long time, eight months or something.
We're stuck.
We're not going anywhere.
Forward or backward.
Well... I feel backward.
I'm sure for him it's nowhere.
Stable, but nowhere.
He's treated me twenty times better than any other boy has ever treated me.
I'm so thankful for that.
I'm glad he showed me that not every boy is the same.
He doesn't challenge me though.
He tries to change the things I do to much.
He's not as smart as I am.
He's not creative.
He's not super fun.
He's not anything.
He's neutral.
I love him, but I'm not IN love with him.
I don't think I'll ever be in love with him.
It's good what we have, but it's not perminant stuff.
I know that, and I hope he does too.
I don't know how much longer it can last.
It's sad.
I'll have another era ending.
I'll be super lonely, sad,self-esteemless.
But, that'll be good for me too.
I need a change of pace, a change of something.
I need someone to relate to me at a deeper level than he does.
He doesn't hardly relate to me at all.
We had one night, once, where we talked and talked and we understood each other.
But, one night can only count for so much.
I don't know.
I can't just cut him out.
There has to be a reason other than just cause.
I'll wait, give it more time.

Other than all that, I don't really know.
I'm moving to Indianapolis at the end of July.
Ganna run off and become independant.
I have a crush on a cute boy.
It doesn't mean anything.
He's too young for me.
But, that's alright. I like to pretend.
I'm trying out new friends.
They never fit quite right.
I suck at school, it sucks me.
I live in Brittany's shadow.
I have arthritis.


Goodnight.

If you still care... I don't.

I saw someone tonight.
Someone that made me feel like shit.
Someone that I'm going to be thinking about for a while.
Someone who I fucked over.

Sorry Nathan.
Really.

Here's my deal.
I liked this boy.
I fucked this boy.
I didn't like this boy.
I fucked this boy.
I wanted to like this boy.
I fucked this boy.
Then I never talked to him again.

More than anything at the time I wanted to want him, and I wanted him to want me.
Except, I don't think he ever wanted me.
Like, the me that has interesting things to say.
He only wanted me, as in, sex.
And... I let that happen.
I let it happen for way to long.
By the end of it... I just felt like shit.
In the worst ways.
I didn't even like having sex with him...
I just let it happen because he liked it.
It wasn't good.
Ever.
He would never talk to me.
Or cuddle me.
Or hold my hand.
Kiss my forehead.
Feed me.
Go out in public with me.
I don't know why.
I'll never know why.

He was supposed to move away this summer, but he didn't.
I saw him today at the football game.
I hate feeling like a slut.
Like a bad person.
I can't take back the things that I've done.
And I don't even believe in regret.
But If I could take something back that I could control, that would be it.

I wish I could tell him how sorry I actually am for doing what I did.
But, I wonder if he's sorry too for doing what he did.
He probobly doesn't even realize that he hurt me.
That's okay though.
I've learned.
I've way since moved on.
I just didn't much enjoy the reminder.

Let me kill everyone around you, sir, tell me if you don't change.

"Hey Jamie, this is Nikkee. I know this is a little weird but, someone just got in a car accident on Eaton Lewisburg road and I heard it was brittany's sister."
"Dude, I haven't heard anything, I think someone would've called me, but if I find anything out, I'll deffinitely let you know.''
"They said she had long dark hair."
"Oh, well, Kristen has really light hair, I just saw her the other day. So, if they have dark hair, it's not her."
"Okay, well, I'll call you later, okay?"
"Alright, likewise."

It was her.
It was her.

I can't do this again.
I can't fucking go through this again.
This is how it happens every fucking time.
It's a phone call.
Or the news.
Or a rumor.

To everyone we've lost.
You've made me strong.
One more, would break me down.

I'm so afraid.
I keep playing past phone calls, news, rumors.
I keep imagining the worst case scenarios.
If Nate dies.
I die.
If Brittany dies.
I die.

I'm worried.
Bad.
=\




I was also thinking today, after Dylin, Chris, Cody and Kristen my Mom talked to the pastor at my church about it briefly. He invited himself over to 'talk' with me. I don't know what he wanted to accomplish. He's the only person that ever attempted to reach out to me in that way. I didn't accept it. I don't want help from a stranger. I want someone who will understand why God wasn't who I ran too. I want someone to understand the ways I delt with it. I want someone to understand how I'll never really deal with it. I've told James, over and over, it's difficult to keep a close relationship with God when everyone you know dies. I don't hate him anymore. I got over that. I think sometimes, shit just happens. I don't think it was anyones time. I don't think it was ment to be. It just happened.

I love you Kelli H.

When you're feeling sad and don't know what to do ~ Put in a chew.

That James boy...
We've been dating for three months or something now.
Anywhore...


I want to tell you how I feel about you.
I want you to feel it too.
I want you to know, that if we keep going like this, I'm going to fall in love with you.
I want you to know, that's a big responsibility.
I'm afraid to let myself fall in that way again.
I'm afraid it'll be another of the same situation.
I'm going to wait, until I know.
I want you to cuddle me, to hold my hand, to kiss my forehead, to sing really badly, to tickle my hips, to blow in my nose, to light my cigarettes, to laugh at my lame jokes, to go to dollar seventyfive tuesday movies with me...
All the time.

I can't tell you how scared I am that I think so highly of you.
I'm fucking terrified of what you hold over me.
I won't fuck you over.
I promise.
I won't fuck you over.
Don't fuck me over.
You could, so easily.
But, please don't.

E.T phone, hold me.

From Ricky -
lets invite people over to hang out and have them buy us alcohol, then ditch them to go to a party we are having and tell them to go home.......awesome


Are you fucking kidding me right now. How the fuck old are you, 21 or 12. I won't play this game. Where I ask if that's okay, and you pretend that it is. I don't want you to fucking buy me alchohol, you offered. I don't have any emotional ties to you, and you better fucking believe I won't make any. I made the mistake of connecting myself to an emotional fuck up mind bender before, and I don't need another Kyle. All that that you said before Ricky, about treating people right... I don't think you know how. I don't think that buying people things makes up for petty bullshit like this. We were ready to leave. We weren't going to a party. We drank alone in someone else's living room. Someone else, who is a much better friend to me than you can ever pretend to be. I have two people that will be there for me til the day I roll over dead, I don't need anymore friends. I can't try for you. Because... now I can't let you in. So, Fuck you, Fuck this, Stop fucking talking to my boyfriend.

Workplace Litera-gay.

I've been thinking a lot about what it's going to mean for me to grow up.
I've always been such a kid, I recognize it.
I need reassurance and love an someones touch.
I don't know exactly where those needs stemmed from, but I know that I own them.
Sometimes I feel like I want something different.
Like now, I have James. I'm not particularly sure what it is I want from him. It's most likely something superficial that won't happen. But, I feel like it's more. However, I know better.
I'm glad I can separate the two.
I generally choose the feel - Should probably fix that.
There's just been an endless list of bullshit that's happened in the duration of my life. Stuff that only makes me feel terrible.
When I get the option to indulge in something that makes me feel good, even for a little bit - I always go that way.
That's not so bad when I but it like that.
But, it's kind of horrible when I don't take other peoples feelings into account. I can't say I care to much though.
I don't know, I'm just trying to become someone.
I don't want to be dependant on someone for my whole life.
I just find it hard to not be receiving some sort of attention from somewhere...
I don't know, not important.


Other than that... there's been something else on my mind.
My teacher talks about me having attachment issues...
It never bothered me... but, it started to the other day when I was all kinds of lost in thought.
This... is because I realized it was pretty much true.
I don't think I had the issues that I have now with needing people and whatnot until everyone started dying...
I think it's hard not to become attached to people, even to the point of panic, because so many of the people I've loved aren't going to be coming back.
I don't know if I diagnosed myself well... But, I think I did a pretty good job.
That was important to me... And, I really hope it doesn't get mentioned again...
It may accidentally upset me.

Swallow Bitch. Gotta Feed That Baby.

I know something.
I know something and I hate what I know.
I wish I didn't know.
More than that, I wish it just never happened.

Heather, you're my friend.
You were one of my best friends.

James, you were a fling.
You kinda ment more to me than I let on to.
I couldn't let you know that though.
I wasn't ready to want things like that.
We're over. Well, Kind of. I know.

Heather, I knew you were a slut.
I didn't care.
I told you I didn't think you were.
This... is because it didn't effect me.
Oh, God, it effects me now.
A lot.
I'm so upset by what I know.
I'm so pissed off by what you did, I can't even think of anything else.
You're a whore.
I can't take that back.
Fuck you.

James doesn't owe me anything.
You owe me a lot.
He's just a boy.
You were my friend.

Thanks for sucking his dick - At school nontheless.
That's great.
Cunt.

If I didn't care about you so much, the issue would've been adressed already.
God Heather.
You fucked up so bad.
I don't even want anything to do with you.
I hope you choke on his dick.
I hope Joel finds out.
And, I hope he leaves you.

I realize now - you're the reason you don't have very many friends.
You can't just do that.
I fucked that boy.
He was only the second.
It was only like a month ago we stopped.
It's not okay.
It's not ever going to be fucking okay.

So bad, I want to not care.
Unfortunatly... I care a whole lot.
I don't even hold it against him.
Double standard, I don't give a shit.
That's all you.
It was all you.

You treated Cody like shit behind his back.
That's just as bad.
I'm glad he didn't want to get back together with you.
It's not like you knew how to be faithful anyways.
He might have been a dick sometimes, but you were no better.

I tried Heather.
I'm a good fucking friend.
I know that I am.
Thanks for wasting my time.
What's Cody's number so I can call him up and go suck his dick?
Would that be okay?
Excactly.

I'm glad you have such good morals bitch.

You Lost Me At ... Hello.

I'm pretty much... down today.
I don't really know what my deal is.
A lot of things just collecting in my head.
I don't have anyone to talk to about them right at the moment.

The Nate thing.
It's so over.
It has to be.

There's just to many factors in the whole situation that aren't in our favor.
I think it's best to just back off and let it be over sooner than later.

I just wanted to hang out with him last Monday.
Just, chill.
Cuddle, Kiss, watch a movie.
I didn't want anything else.
But... I let that happen of course.

I'm ruining things by going with my desires.
We fucked.
Then he had to go.
All of about 0% of that was hanging out.

I've just decided...
It's self destructive.
I want love.
I'm not getting that.
I will not be a fuck buddy anymore.
I won't be that girl.
No.

I'm ready to have a boy again.
Like, actually have a boy.
However, I want the whole boy.
Not half.
I want it all.
That's corny and stuff...
But, that's what I want.

I want someone who will call me, just to talk.
I want someone who will hold my hand in public.
I want someone who will claim me.
I want someone who can have real conversations.
Deep like.
I just... want someone to make me feel better about all my shit.
Someone to trust I suppose.
I want the boy version of Brittany.
Unfortunately, they don't make those as far as I know.

I just want to feel better about myself.
I shouldn't need a boy to do that.
But... that's what I want.
I don't forsee it really though.

Celabate =\

Malest Me ... Maleski.

Basically...
I do want you boy.
I just don't want to date you.
Ask me about it damn it.
I'll tell you why.
I didn't just decide that without a reason.
I don't date anymore.
I don't do it, because I know It'll fail.
Especially with Nate.
He's moving away upon graduation.
I can't put myself through that.
Can't do the long distance thing.
Don't wanna worry about having to break up when he leaves.
You know... All that sucks.

He was all kinds of fucking sloshy when he called me the other night.
He doesn't remember anything he told me.
He told me alot.

He said he wanted to ask me out.
Then I said I didn't date and he backed off.
He never asked why...
I wish he would've done that.
I wish he would've thought to digg a little more.

I like him.
Like, whoah, a lot for real.
But, I can't keep waiting for him to figure me out.
I thought we finally got all our shit out.
Then he woke up still drunk and didn't remember.

Oh well.

I'm trying to be over it.

I'll see how that goes.

Quickly Before The Fog Rolls In, That Do You Like??

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Like... For real.
I think the events that lead me to where I am now, thoroughly fucked me up.
Forever.
I'm pretty sure I'm fucked up.
I'm pretty sure that the things that I think, aren't normal.
That the extreme highs and lows and restlessness I experiance on the inside aren't real.
I'm pretty sure that I've made up half of who I am.
But... I'll never really know.
I guess it's an internal struggle I'm going to deal with forever.
Whether it's airplanes or sexual premiscuity.
I'm fucked.
I'd like to change who I am sometimes.
But, at the same time I think I love myself.
At least when I'm around people.
By myself, I can't stand me.
I keep going through these things in my head about Nate.
He's this new boy I'm talking to.
Or... Not so much talking to, but doing.
I'd like to be talking to him.
I might be.
But, then again I don't want to get to invested in someone who's going to move away.
I'm not ganna be in that possition again.
So, I've been struggling with wanting to like him, Not wanting to like him, Wanting him to like me regardless, thinking he doesn't, thinking I know he doesn't, Not caring, Really really fucking caring way to much.
I don't know why that is.
I'm relationship prone and don't want to be.
I really really want this boy though.
=(
But, I really really don't want to want this boy at all.
It's stupid.
I'm stupid.
I need to stop sleeping with people before I really get to know them.
Haha.
Fuck me.

I'm going to the Video Store officer...

I get treated like a child.
Then I act like one.
Turns out...
Probobly not the brightest thing to do.

Goodbye driving privlidges.

Helloooo SeventyFive in a FiftyFive, In the dense fog.

Helloooo Officer Stevens.

I suck a lot of dick.

May I borrow your gun??

Dick Slap.

Somethings wrong with me I guess.
I'm used to being loved.
Being somebody's everything.
Being something to someone.
I gave that all away.
I gave it all away because I wanted something else.
Turns out, what I thought I wanted isn't what I want.
I'm a slut.
I feel cheep.
Used.
Fuck Buddy?
How's that going?
It's not.
Kinda terrible actually.
Fluctuates from day to day.
Today, I'm pretty fucking lonely.
Ha.
Of course.
I want someone to call when I'm bored.
I want someone to cuddle with.
I want someone to actually think I'm beautiful.
I want someone who can look past physical attraction.
I want someone who will hold my hand.

But... I know if I had all those things, I wouldn't want them.
I have to settle for being unsatisfied for now.
Cause, it's not ganna happen.

Frustrated.

I have resolution[s]

I want to calm down.
I want to lighten up.
I want to start writing when I'm happy too.
I want to really take a look at how lucky I am.
I want to blame it on angst.
I want to forget about people who hurt me.
I want to workoutmore.
I want a new hobby.
I want to stop listening to this gay country music.
I want to disco more.
Lots more.
Naked.
I want a plan for post HS.
I want to hug more people.
I want to not get attached to James. Let it be fun and easy. No jelousy.
I want to laugh quieter.
I want to continue being so real.
I want to tell myself I love me everyday.


There it is.
It's sort of a bullshit list.
But, I don't really care.
Those are things I want for me.
Deff.

I felt good about what I did.
Then I didn't.
Then I didn't care.
Then I was ashamed.
Now, I don't know what I feel.
I'm lost.
Without a relationship.
Without someone to guide me.
I'm so lost.
I've become co-dependant.
I've become someone I am not.
I've become half.
Half as good as I should be.
Without someone to guide me.
I am lost.
I'm clinging.
I'm clinging onto everyone who will let me.
I'm not doing it on my own.
Surviving.
Happyness.
I'm not doing it on my own.
I want to do it on my own.
I want to embrace what I've been through.
I want to grow.
I want to know how to grow.
I've lost people.
Man, I've lost a lot of people.
Most of whom, I won't have a second chance.
They're dead.
So many people died.
So many people died, and I'm worried about being co-dependant.
I'm fucked up.
I want to be fucked up.
My need for substance...
Is so much stronger than I thought it could be.
My need to not be myself.
I want to change.
Need to change.
Need to be someone else.
Somewhere else.
Something else.
I'm not comfortable.
Where I am.
Where am I?
I'm so lost.
I'm so fucked.
I smile a lot more than I did before.
But, I don't even know how much I mean it.
I'm a fake.
I'm a fake.
I don't know who I am.
I'm so fucked.
Goodnight.

Sexxxy

Hellow single world.
I've got this. For the first time since being alone, I made reckless sexual decisions. It was good. I look foreward to doing it some more.