Let me kill everyone around you, sir, tell me if you don't change.

"Hey Jamie, this is Nikkee. I know this is a little weird but, someone just got in a car accident on Eaton Lewisburg road and I heard it was brittany's sister."
"Dude, I haven't heard anything, I think someone would've called me, but if I find anything out, I'll deffinitely let you know.''
"They said she had long dark hair."
"Oh, well, Kristen has really light hair, I just saw her the other day. So, if they have dark hair, it's not her."
"Okay, well, I'll call you later, okay?"
"Alright, likewise."

It was her.
It was her.

I can't do this again.
I can't fucking go through this again.
This is how it happens every fucking time.
It's a phone call.
Or the news.
Or a rumor.

To everyone we've lost.
You've made me strong.
One more, would break me down.

I'm so afraid.
I keep playing past phone calls, news, rumors.
I keep imagining the worst case scenarios.
If Nate dies.
I die.
If Brittany dies.
I die.

I'm worried.
Bad.
=\




I was also thinking today, after Dylin, Chris, Cody and Kristen my Mom talked to the pastor at my church about it briefly. He invited himself over to 'talk' with me. I don't know what he wanted to accomplish. He's the only person that ever attempted to reach out to me in that way. I didn't accept it. I don't want help from a stranger. I want someone who will understand why God wasn't who I ran too. I want someone to understand the ways I delt with it. I want someone to understand how I'll never really deal with it. I've told James, over and over, it's difficult to keep a close relationship with God when everyone you know dies. I don't hate him anymore. I got over that. I think sometimes, shit just happens. I don't think it was anyones time. I don't think it was ment to be. It just happened.

I love you Kelli H.